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BBC Radio Nottingham
All hands on deck - Bel Jacobs
Our parties are always swinging
Her club runs on tough love
"I have been called shallow on a number of occasions and suppose my critics are right," says Freja Kensington, owner of Belle Baise, a swinging club based in Nottingham. "I am prejudiced against ugly people but I have to be."
Sunday 16th September 2006
Behind closed doors: The swinging Noughties
No-strings, guilt-free sex with strangers may not be everyone's cup of tea, but more and more of us are getting a taste for it. Emma Gold lifts the lid on the public clubs and private parties where anything - and everything - goes. No-strings, guilt-free sex with strangers - it's not the kind of Saturday-night entertainment you often hear discussed in the office on Monday morning. So it may come as a surprise that as many as 1.5m British couples have admitted to trying it. Dedicated nightclubs, magazines, holidays and internet sites are all part of the swinging boom. According to one site, Swinging Heaven, 400,000 people in Britain are involved every week, and the number is growing. A quick Google search will reveal just how pervasive the swinging scene is, and it is the internet that has enabled this surge by opening communications between like-minded couples. And if this seems incredible - well, it would. Swingers are generally discrete about their activities. After weeks in court over allegations in a Sunday newspaper, we still don't know what the SMP Tommy Sheridan did - or didn't - get up to. Although the scene is changing fast, swinging, or wife-swapping, is nothing new. It started simply enough. According to Terry Gould's The Lifestyle: A Look at the Erotic Rites of Swingers, swinging took shape among US Air Force pilots and their wives during the Second World War. In this community, the mortality rate among pilots was so high that a close bond arose between pilots, with the implication that the husbands would care for all the wives as their own, both emotionally and sexually, if the husbands were away or lost. These arrangements continued near Air Force bases throughout the Second World War and into the Korean War. By the time the Korean War ended, the groups had spread to the nearby suburbs. The media picked up on them in 1957 and dubbed the phenomenon "wife-swapping". New and ingenious ways to swap wives developed - and even those who haven't tried it probably think they know the rules of engagement. We've seen the key-swapping party in Ang Lee's film The Ice Storm, where the husbands threw their car keys into a bowl and the wives then had sex with whoever's key they picked. No one who saw Stanley Kubrick's Eyes Wide Shut could forget the masked orgy Tom Cruise's character attended. Today, the traditional, non-commercial house parties intended for couples still exist as private, invitation-only affairs. But it is a new breed of club that is changing the image of swingers as middle-aged, bored suburbanites. Belle Baise, launched by Freja Kensington a year ago, is designed for "the sexual �lite". It holds carefully screened events at luxurious locations in Nottingham. There is an age limit of 35; the average age is 27. Those keen to attend must initially submit a photo of themselves and between 40 per cent to 60 per cent of applicants are turned away because they are not sufficiently attractive. Nonetheless, her latest event is already fully booked. Similar clubs targeting the young, attractive and sexually adventurous, such as Lounge Parties, Killing Kittens and Fever Parties, have sprung up in the past five years. Clifford Brown of Lounge Parties says: "Couples are now more likely to tell their straight friends about their swinging." It may not yet be straight-forwardly open, but there's a cachet, and that's got to be worth a brag. But the new and old worlds of swinging do not sit happily cheek-to-cheek. The new selective scene is causing consternation among the old-style, inclusive swingers, who believe it is unethical to discriminate. Couples who see themselves as traditional swingers may identify themselves as "not Ken and Barbie". "Looks don't matter at all. It's whether you're a fun person," says Roger Lande, a devotee of the private, non-commercial parties. He also believes swinging is better suited to the over-35s. "Any younger and they're too intense, too possessive and take offence easily," he says. "They're not mature enough." Lande, author of 21st Century Swinging, began his own group by advertising in a sexual lifestyle magazine for couples. He screened applicants by careful interviewing and built up a core group of swingers until eventually, his parties were strictly word-of-mouth. Private ads in sexual lifestyle magazines, such as Desire, are full of couples looking for play-mates, as are dedicated internet sites, such as Swinging Heaven. Whatever your age, not everyone is psychologically suited to swinging. "Swingers tend to be libertarians who are not rule-bound," says Phillip Hodson, a fellow of the British Association of Counselling and Psychotherapy. "It attracts people either with a strong libidinous drive or a psychological need to exhibit themselves or gain sexual attention." For those suited to swinging, Lande explains the appeal: "Stimulation, friendship and lack of guilt. It's not adultery if you're both agreeing to it." The question of whether both parties willingly consent to participation is crucial. Katie, aged 31, attended a swinging event aimed at "young, attractive, upmarket couples" and was struck by the number of women who appeared to be there under pressure from male partners. "We try to screen out couples where the woman isn't sure about it," says Emma Sayle, of Killing Kittens. "And if the woman doesn't enjoy it, she doesn't come back." There is also a swinging adage that "the more enthusiastic member of a couple will get the couple into swinging, but the less enthusiastic partner will keep them there". As Carol Queen, author of Exhibitionism for The Shy, puts it: "The swing community has noticed a prevalent dynamic in couples where one partner, more often than not the man, has more enthusiasm than the other. He has had terrific fantasies about freewheeling sex and plenty of it, and he finally convinces his initially reluctant partner to give swinging a try. When they get to the party, she has a great time and is in high demand, while he thinks the party's a dud." So what actually goes on? Sexual intercourse generally doesn't happen the minute guests arrive and it tends to take place away from the main party. "Guests normally arrive at about 8.30pm and spend the first hour having a drink and chat," says Lande. "Gradually, clothes come off and people tend to disappear upstairs for sex. Apart from naked dancing and a bit of heavy petting, nothing serious happens in the main room." Katie's experience at a club was similar. "The invitation specified feather masks and we were not allowed to remove these until after 11pm once the doors closed to protect attendees' privacy," she says. "People were milling around the reception area, drinking and eating canap�s. Within a couple of hours, the clothes started coming off and lots of the men left the reception to go to specified 'liberated' areas full of inflatable beds. "I was approached by a guy who asked me to join him and his girlfriend so we disappeared to a discretely candle-lit private room. Five or six couples were standing in the jacuzzi making out, among the stench of chlorine, which I could only hope was strong enough to kill anything floating around in the water." Surprisingly, "penetrative sex mostly happens between couples", says Kensington. At private house parties, it's mostly couples only. Single women are welcome since the action tends to be heterosexual sex with the only bisexuality occurring between women. Belle Baise and Killing Kittens, meanwhile, encourage single women to attend on their own and the clubs are, in fact, aimed at women who want to experiment with their bisexuality. In a study on female bisexuality within the swing community in 1984 by Dr Joan Dixon, she noted that the prevalence of sexual activity between females in the swing community was extraordinarily high. In a sample of 50 women, all had their first experience with female-female sex in the swing community after the age of 30, and none had even fantasised about women before these first experiences. She also found that "the generally positive reactions of these subjects to their first sexual experience with other females after a lifetime of strict heterosexuality progressed through repeated experience to an overwhelming general rating of excellent". At a previous Baise event, single women made up 30 per cent of the guests with the remaining 70 per cent consisting of couples. "Single women are very much in demand," says Kensington. "Single men tend to spoil the scene." It is considered bad form to attend with someone who is not your partner, although single men do try to bring a female, known as a "ticket" in order to gain entry. This etiquette was unknown to me when I attended a swingers' party a few years ago. A male friend was desperate to attend and I agreed to accompany him as a voyeur. My friend sat on the sofa between two women and his hands got rather busy, while holding an unrelated conversation. I have never seen him look so happy." The rules at clubs, however, are more stringent about such direct action. At Killing Kittens, men are forbidden from approaching women. There also seems to be a convention that if you are fully dressed, it is unlikely you will be approached for anything other than a chat and I can confirm that this was my experience. There aren't many rules to swinging, apart from the golden one: "No means no." There is an accepted etiquette. Some clubs have a designated "group room", where some rules may be slightly relaxed: in other words, it might be assumed OK for someone to touch you unless/until you say no. Opening closed doors to bedroom areas and just staring at whatever is going on is usually considered rude. It's common for people to dress up. The dress code at Belle Baise is "smart cocktail dress" for women and suits for men. Some people may prefer not to be around when their partner is having sex with someone else, known as "closed swinging", while others may insist on it - "open swinging". The term "soft swinging" refers to trading partners just for the purposes of heavy petting and then switching back to one's primary partner for any actual sex. Swingers point to the many advantages of such recreational sex: a variety of sexual partners and experiences; watching others to learn new techniques; "recapturing one's youth"; feeling reassured that you're still attractive and desirable; and increasing mutual attraction and love within the marriage. Swinging is clearly not suited for those who believe sex is an intimate act between two people. It's also not suited for the insecure and jealous. There may also be a fear that your partner will find someone they like better. Lande says he has never seen this happen and echoes committed swingers' belief that the practice strengthens the core relationship. "My wife always said she preferred 'home cooking'," says Lande, "and half the fun is discussing what happened with your spouse afterwards." Some of you may be shaking your head at the sordid, sleazy world of swinging. Others might feel tempted to give it a go. Perhaps you will concur with the most surprising reaction of all. According to Kensington: "People often say, 'The weird thing is how it doesn't feel weird at all.' "
Too old to orgy A swingers club has slapped an orgy ban on couples over 35--and ugly people. The Belle Baise organisation, set up by an ex-teacher called Freja, holds group sex parties in penthouses and exclusive apartments in Nottingham. But anyone wanting to join has to submit a photograph to show they are good-looking enough--and provide proof of their age.
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© Belle Baise 2006 |
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